Bob Barker's Obsession

Two-and-a-half months ago, Bob Barker, former host of CBS’s The Price is Right, appeared standing on the corner of the street holding a sign reminding us to spay and neuter our pets, in red paint. He was wearing a three piece suit. None of us had any recollection of Bob Barker’s death, but we were certain that it had occurred. Why else would he appear in our neighborhood?

Two months ago, Bob Barker was still standing on the corner of the street reminding us to spay and neuter our pets. Every half hour he would shout statistics about the stray animal population. We didn’t know where he was getting these ideas, but they sounded true enough. Some neighbors went door to door to raise funds for the local animal shelter. I walked there with Evelyn to donate some cans of Alpo. On the way there, I saw Eugene taking pictures with his phone of Bob through the slats of his fence.

One month ago, Bob Barker began wailing in the middle of the night. He would start when the sun set and wouldn’t stop until the morning. Sometimes, I thought it sounded like he was singing:

 your kittens and puppies, take them to the veterinarian,

The time is now or never; we’ll either sink or swim.

Other times, he seemed to be singing The Tragically Hip song, “New Orleans Is Sinking.”

Three weeks ago, there was a neighborhood meeting to discuss Bob Barker standing and wailing on the corner of the street holding a sign reminding us to spay and neuter our pets. Eugene, who collects model trains and gets his rope at Lowes, expressed his confusion as to why Bob won’t appear in photographs.  Candice, who is deeply unhappy, agreed with Eugene. We didn’t solve anything, but sometimes it’s good to get the neighborhood together to vent.

Two weeks ago, while the neighborhood was experiencing power outages, someone cut off Bob Barker’s head and kicked it down the street. Bob’s body continued to stand and hold the sign. The inside of Bob’s neck was dark, like looking at a cloudy night sky before light pollution. That night there was no wailing. We never looked for the person who did it. 

The next morning, Bob Barker was back on the corner of the street with his sign and three piece suit telling us to spay and neuter our pets. We were told that this summer was the hottest one on record, beating last summer’s record. I never saw Bob Barker sweating while he was out there. 

Last week, I started going back to church after the city council announced that we would have to ration power. There had been a surge in attendance since Bob Barker started standing on the corner of the street holding a sign reminding us to spay and neuter our pets. The Pastor wanted to talk about Jesus, but all we wanted to know about was Bob. That day’s sermon was about dwelling in mystery. At the end of the service we all prayed for Bob.

Yesterday, Eugene walked to the corner of the street and stood in front of Bob Barker, holding his Boston Terrier’s crotch in front of Bob’s nose. “See!” He shouted. “I got him fixed! We all got them fixed! They’re all fixed, for the most part. It’s under control. You have got to move on. This isn’t some game. There are islands sinking into the ocean! The woods around us are burning, and birds are dropping out of the sky! My God, Bob, you can’t do this forever!”

Tomorrow, next week, a year from now,  Bob Barker will be on the corner telling everyone to spay and neuter our pets. Those of us with means will have moved out, escaping the forest fires, the constant “once-in-a-century” storms, the rising tides, and vicious droughts. Many of us will stay because we can’t go anywhere else. Because there is nowhere else to go. Because, wherever we go, our problems follow us. Because wherever we go, we’re still there. That’s as certain as Bob standing there with his sign, engulfed in flames, reminding us to spay and neuter our pets; or drenched by rain with lightning striking him, reminding us to spay and neuter our pets; or with frost clinging to his eyebrows and icicles hanging off his sign, which reminds us to spay and neuter our pets. He’ll be there. It’s only a matter of time.